Alan has WEIRD NEIGHBOURS !
(or he used to until he moved)
Yes, it's true, Alan has weird neighbours,
really, really, weird neighbours.
We live in a little town with a population of about
500 people. It's an idyllic, quite little town with really nice friendly
people. Due to the nature of the town it attracts people looking to practice
an alternative lifestyle, but these guys make the others look quite conservative.
The Weird Neighbours are a constant source of conversation topics for the
people in our street. The following is a few examples of just how weird
they are.
Example 1. Weird Neighbours own
a Holden panel van (owning a Holden panel van isn't weird, just poor taste
and judgement). The Holden's engine did what all Holden engines do, it
died a premature death. So Weird Neighbours went to get a new engine. The
mechanic told them they had a choice of either a 202, a 186 or a 179 second-hand
engine. Obviously bewildered by the options before them, they did the only
logical thing, they went home and got their Tarot cards and did a Tarot
reading to see which engine they should choose. Excitedly, they returned
to the mechanic (an 80 kilometre round trip) and told him the 202's cards
were right, so in went the 202. The next day they went down to pick
up the van and, surprise surprise, the 202 sounded a bit rattley and the
mechanic wasn't happy with it and he suggested getting another one. Again
confronted with an incomprehensible decision, they did what anyone would
do in these circumstances, they drove back home with the engine numbers
from the engines offered and drew up a numerology chart for the engines.
They returned to the bewildered mechanic with the news that one of the
engines met their exacting standards, so in it went. The engine was deemed
acceptable by Holden standards, and Weird Neighbours lived happily ever
after.
Example 2. Weird Neighbours strung
up multi-coloured Christmas tree lights inside their house when they moved
in, in mid September ! They later explained that they were "mood lighting".
I must have had a non-believing look on my face because he then told me
he had taken out the flasher bulb, as if that explaination would make it
seem less weird.
Example 3. Weird Neighbour
used to mow his lawn with a tiny 30cc line trimmer. I felt sorry for him,
obviously he didn't own a mower, also he made a complete debacle of his
lawn with the trimmer, leaving the lawn covered in giant semi-circles,
so I offered to loan him my mower. I explained how to start it, etc., and
left him to it. He started it up. It emitted the usual amount of smoke
all two-strokes emit, but he was horror struck. I looked outside a little
later, to keep the fumes away he was now wearing a twin cartridge GAS MASK,
goggles, gloves, a long sleeve flanellette shirt (it was about 35oC that
day) and jeans. He wears the same uniform every time he uses my mower now.
Example 4. Weird Neighbours
are vegetarians. He delivers organic vegetables for a living. (She practices
laser accupuncture) They only eat organic foods. They have a (rather anorexic
looking) 3 year old offspring. We hear unending stories about how the 3
year old girl eats only organic foods now because every time she eats non-organic
foods she gets really sick because her system is conditioned to handle
only "real foods", etc., etc., blah, blah, blah. Her inability to eat non-organic
food is the basis of their organic-only philosophy. Meanwhile, when she
visits our house to play with our 2 and 3 year old boys, she joins them
in devouring large quantities of biscuits, cakes, cordials and all kinds
of other non-organic items. I smile quietly to myself when I ask how she
is and they reply "yes, she's always well and healthy and never gets sick
because of what she eats...........".
Example 5. Weird Neighbours
have had their wood fired heater going right through summer. "It's important
to keep warm".
GO BACK